Those questions that everyone at the thanksgiving dinner table asks. “Where is your man?” “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” “Guys don’t try to talk to you at school?” “I know you got a little boyfriend somewhere. Why you lying?” My entire four years of college have consisted of inquisitive family and friends about this subject. They ask me that way more often then they ask if I ate. And at times it can be annoying, but they are right to make dating something important because it is. Actually, all relationships in life are important not just the romantic ones, but my response to those questions every time someone asked me was “That’s just not my focus right now.” And that was the truth. Being in a romantic relationship is not the first thing I think about when I wake up everyday. Honestly, being in a relationship has always been really scary to me. And for so long I have been thinking that I am afraid of being in a relationship because of my daddy issues. I also always thought that my fear of committing to someone was due to watching my parents’ toxic and unhealthy marriage, and I pinpointed that as another reason. And while they do play a part in my fear, I realized that the number one reason why I am ready to piss myself when someone mentions a relationship is because I am simply not ready for that.
When I was younger, my mother never taught me to aspire to marriage. She was trying to give me great wisdom to ensure I became a great woman and then talked to me about relationships. She wanted me to learn from her mistakes, but most importantly she wanted me to be at a certain place in life before I allowed myself to be in a relationship. Like most parents, she wanted me to focus on school, go to college, establish a career, become financially stable, and then I could go on a date with the guy from church of course. And like most kids, of course I saw all my friends dating and I started to think that I should start dating too. Now, being older, I see that my mother was absolutely right. I should wait until I get to a certain place in life before I begin dating, but it’s not only about working on myself financially, and getting my education. It is also about getting to know myself and loving myself first before I get into a relationship, because I will only love the other person the way I love myself. Also, the other person will only love me the way I love myself.
A few weeks ago, after visiting home, I pushed myself to think that in a year I wanna be in a relationship. Seeing so many couples around me also helped me make that decision. What the heck was I thinking? Why was I allowing outside pressure to make me think that was something I needed to rush into. There have been so many nights I have thought “Wow, I have never been in a real, committed relationship,” and I began to feel ashamed as if that meant something is wrong with me. Again, What the heck was I thinking? Who knows if in a year I will really be in a place where I can and will be comfortable with the idea of committing to someone. Truth is, there is so much I want to do in life. I want to be a boss chick, and I have so much to learn in order to allow the bossness in me to flourish. It will be harder to do that if I am not only committed to myself.
After telling people that I wanna focus on me right now, they ask me if I have sworn off the opposite sex or will block love from coming into my life. My response to that is, I am on a singleness journey. I want to blossom, and that means that my focus is choosing the right water to drink, and making sure I am in the best soil that will help me grow. That doesn’t mean I don’t want any other flowers around me. Although I want to make the best out of my singleness journey being single, I don’t mind being friends with someone who is on their singleness journey too. Commitment is hard work, and the only thing I want to be responsible for right now is me. And that doesn’t make me any less of a person or woman because of that.
I do want to be in a relationship one day, but that day is not today!